Dear Joeli,    

            Overall, your proposal was good for it to be your first draft. You chose a good topic and did make the assumptions that were needed to be made. You had some minor formating issues which I corrected on your paper. One of them was fixing the title of your proposal. The main issues involved awkward phrasing and needing to reword many sentences that were unclear. Besides that there were some missing words that should be added to the sentences or replaced with words that make more sense in the sentence. So you should proofread for any of the grammar and spelling mistakes. For your thesis question, I suggest that it should be made stronger. You had mentioned it in your first paragraph, but I believe that it should be proposed towards the end as well so that your assumptions can more directly transition to your proposal/thesis question. Many of your assumptions can be explained a little more because they seem unclear in the point that is trying to be stated. Also, I like that you included a lot of subquestions, however, a few of the questions don’t seem so important towards the proposed idea. You can either take the questions out or word them differently so they can seem more relevant to the topic that you are approaching. I think you can make the actual problem more clear and propose a solution to how the topic can be solved and approached by the reader. Another problem I realized is your use of “I” which seems to make certain parts of your paper opinionated. Remember that this is a proposal being given not your opinion on the topic so try not to make it so personal. Also, don’t repeat yourself so much as you keep stating that your topic is interesting. Besides, what you have to fix I think that you did pretty good in explaining assumptions on whether people think that puppetry is helpful or not towards therapy. Other than that there is nothing else wrong with your paper. I hope you take these suggestions into consideration so your paper can be better.

Sincerely,

Brittany Estrella